Couples who acknowledge and engage each other tend to have greater couple satisfaction and are more likely to stay together. That's what relationship research* has found. It has also found that one of the greatest predictors of relationship success is a couple's ability to, and habit of, turning toward each other rather than away from each other. The intimacy bond can be improved tremendously when one spouse makes an effort to connect by reaching out and the other spouse accepts the effort and responds accordingly. It's what I call acknowledging and engaging.

Acknowledging and engaging can include a simple gesture such as a brief verbal response, or it can involve a spouse "moving to action." Here are a few examples:

• A wife is reading a book. She says to her husband who is across the room, "Wow, this is really interesting. I never knew this." Her husband looks toward her and says, "You never knew what?"
• A husband is standing at the window looking outside. He says, "It looks overcast today." His wife says, "Does it? Perhaps this will be the perfect day to pop some popcorn and watch that movie we've been wanting to see."
• A wife is trying to get the new printer to work. She says, "That's strange, this ink cartridge won't snap into place." Her husband says, "Let me take a look," as he walks over to her.
• A husband and wife are driving to dinner. The husband says, "I wonder if we'll get in without a reservation." The wife says, "Hmmm, I don't know. But it's worth a try."
• One spouse says, "My knee is looking a bit swollen." The other spouse comes over, looks at it and says, "It does look a bit swollen. Is it painful?"

Those are all examples of a spouse acknowledging and engaging. So simple. Yet the opposite can easily become a habit in marriage. Spouses can begin to ignore their spouses' attempts to connect. They begin to overlook opportunities to deepen intimacy through the simple gesture of acknowledging and engaging. 

A research* study conducted with newlyweds found that six years after the wedding, the couples who had stayed together were the ones who had turned toward each other 86% of the time. If you were to take an inventory of your responses to your spouse, what percentage of the time would you say you acknowledge and engage?

There's no time like the present to begin!

A little booster to help you keep up with that lunchbox packing.

"I am further along in my walk with God than my spouse is. I am trying to teach our children to walk with the Lord, but there is no support from my spouse. What do I do since my spouse is not invested in the spiritual growth of our children?"

It is challenging when a spouse is not invested in his/her own spiritual growth or the spiritual growth of the children.  Yet, if that spouse is not trying to prevent you from nurturing the children in their spiritual growth, rejoice! It would be much more difficult if your spouse were actively resisting. As it stands, if you have the freedom to train your children according to God's Word and nurture them in their relationship with Christ, do it with joy and thankfulness.

Yes, it would be wonderful if you and your spouse were both active in leading your children spiritually. But as it stands, you still have the opportunity to help them develop their own relationship with the Lord without the added dynamic of a spouse actively resisting you.

Continue to nurture your children in their relationship with the Lord. And be sure to pray for your spouse and your children, and of course for yourself.  God is able to change dynamics and transform lives.

"Is it okay to voice a difference of opinion? If I voice a different opinion from my husband's opinion am I being disrespectful?"

Yes, it is ok to voice a difference of opinion. A difference of opinion does not automatically mean you are being disrespectful. It is to be expected that in marriage there will be differences of opinion. But how, when, where and why that difference of opinion is voiced matters.

How are you voicing the difference of opinion? Are your tone of voice, your body language, and the words you choose reflecting a godly posture? Are they constructive and helpful? Are you speaking the truth in love?

When are you voicing the difference of opinion? Are you being wise and selective in your timing? Are you patiently waiting to broach the subject at an appropriate time, instead of being reactive, impulsive, and/or impatient. Timing is a significant key in issue resolution.

Where are you raising the difference of opinion? Location. Location. Location. Are you in an environment where you and your spouse can openly share and discuss the issue? And is that location somewhere where you really want to bring up the issue? For example, the romantic restaurant may not be the place to wax eloquent on a difference of opinion. Enjoy your candle lit dinner.

Why are you raising the difference of opinion? Motives matter. Sometimes we are so close to the issue we fail to be objective regarding our true motives.  Are you seeking a win-win with your spouse? Are you seeking to build your union and partnership? Not every difference needs to be expressed, and if your motives are not pure, that might be a good time to do some soul searching before mentioning your opinion.

Finally, who you are married to matters in how you approach voicing your difference of opinion. Husbands are not all the same. Some husbands are mature enough to value the thoughts and perspectives of their wives. Some husbands, however, are more defensive or argumentative. Sharing a difference of opinion in even the gentlest of ways can stir up anger and resentment in such husbands.  Prayerfully try to know and understand where your husband is so that you can be wise in how you approach differences.

If we assume that this past issue is something which occurred during your marriage and has damaged the relationship, there are a few key considerations:​

1. Have you owned the issue? Owning the issue means you have taken full responsibility for the inappropriate choices you have made. In order to take full responsibility for your choices, you must lay aside blame and other such excuses.
2. Have you disconnected from the offending action? If it was infidelity, have you stopped the affair and ended all contact with the outside person? If it was a chemical addiction, have you discontinued use of the substance and sought the necessary help to not repeat the addiction? If it was financial irresponsibility, have you put an end to whatever practice caused the problem?
3. Have you counted the cost?  When one spouse has betrayed the other spouse in some way (such as through emotional or sexual infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or criminal activity) the breach in the marriage needs to be repaired. Part of this process will involve evaluating what you have cost your spouse through your actions. If you do not know what you have cost her, ask her. Depending on what the issue is, costs include things such as deep sorrow, the erosion of trust, embarrassment, feelings of isolation, financial strain, etc.
4. Have you apologized? This step is important in being able to repair the breach and experience restoration as a couple. You need to look your spouse in the eyes, name the offending action, and articulate compassionately your awareness of how that action has hurt her.  You need to apologize, expressing your sorrow for having hurt her and for having compromised your relationship.
5. Have you identified and followed through on the ways in which you will work toward repairing the damage? This includes describing to your wife how things will be different going forward and how you plan to make amends. This also includes asking your wife what she needs from you in this area so you can help her to heal, and then following through on those things.

When you are compassionately, humbly, and deliberately taking steps that encompass the above considerations, you are helping to create a healing environment for your wife and your marriage.  It is important to remember that breaches can take time to repair. Sometimes the offending spouse wants the injured spouse to "hurry up" and get over it so that he (the offending spouse, which in some cases is a she) does not have to be inconvenienced by the pain he has caused his spouse. Do not let that be the case with you. Just as you played the main role in causing the hurt, you now have the opportunity to play a main role in expressing the love, care, and compassion that will help to bring healing.

There can be several reasons your wife has a negative attitude. One possible reason is that your spouse more naturally leans toward pessimism than optimism, so she sees problems before seeing opportunities. Tied to this is the possibility that your wife is a "detail oriented" person and tends to see what needs fixing (which can be an important strength) without seeing what there is to celebrate (which can be a problem.) Another consideration is whether your wife has had positive reinforcement in her life. Perhaps she grew up hearing a great deal of criticism or being molded by people who themselves were complainers and blamers.

Whatever the case, being transformed in one's attitude takes time and deliberate effort. If your wife were asking the question about herself I would give her some effective ways to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in order for her mind to be renewed. However, as your question is how you can help her, here are a few keys:

1. Balance her negative perceptions with optimism. Share the positives about situations that are happening, but do so without criticizing her or putting her down. Your positivity can play a tremendous role in helping her to gain new perspective.
2. Validate her ability to see problems. Really? Yes. Sometimes those who are detail oriented are criticized for their ability to see and even avert trouble. But it really is a strength, even if in some cases it becomes "too much." Even when your wife's attitude is negative, see if the content of what she is talking about has any truth to it and validate that.
3. Reassure your wife. Sometimes people are swamped by their own negative perspectives and cannot see beyond the problems. Their minds are consumed by fear, anxiety and confusion. Your reassurance can be a lifeline to her. But the reassurance has to be genuine and measurable, not vague and general. For example, "It's going to be fine" will not provide as much reassurance as saying, "I know you are frustrated with my boss expecting me to work overtime again. I was looking forward to having the weekend off, too. But the good thing is that now we'll have extra money to put toward that debt we're trying to pay off."

​But what if your wife's negative attitude is aimed at you? From her perspective you never seem to handle a situation correctly. You are not praised, but consistently criticized. This is where your maturity as a believer will show forth. Instead of lashing out or withdrawing, are you able to move toward your wife and speak the truth in love to her? Let her know how her attitude is affecting you, while also being mindful to offer hope and to validate the areas where she may be right, even if her attitude is wrong.

Also, praise her often. Her cup may have endured a lifetime of emptiness, depending on her background, and you can be the one who helps to fill and revive her. This also means being honest with yourself about the ways in which you might be draining your wife. While your shortfalls are not an excuse for her negative attitude, her negative attitude is not an excuse for your shortfalls to remain unchecked. This does not mean that you are to be perfect. It means that you are to be actively growing and using even this difficult area in your marriage to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in how He wants to transform you.

Since our minds are transformed by being renewed (Romans 12:2), initiate daily devotional time with your wife where you read the Word together. Elector and I have a friend who is 90 years old. He and his wife have been married for decades, and one of the things he has practiced everyday for their entire married life is to, as he puts it, "wash her with the Word" daily. Everyday he reads the Word to his wife as just one of the ways he covers her and cares for her. It's a precious act of love and devotion on his part. Perhaps you are willing to do the same and see how your wife blossoms. And remember, it's not a matter of her blossoming for your benefit first and foremost. It's a matter of her blossoming for the glory of God, from which you will benefit.