How Do I Know If My Spouse is Experiencing Traumatic Stress from Childhood? (Part 1)

Part 1: Be Aware of Adverse Childhood Experiences

One of the questions I have been receiving since my article on marriage and childhood trauma is: “How do I know if my spouse or fiancé has experienced childhood trauma?” As we consider whether a loved one is experiencing traumatic stress, it is key to establish what trauma is. With that in place, we are then better able to explore whether a loved one may be experiencing traumatic stress. 

What Is Trauma?

Trauma is not determined simply by an event or an environment. What makes the event traumatic is the impact it has had on the individual. Certainly, some types of events and dynamics are more typical of being experienced as traumatic, as you will see below. But not everyone who experiences the same event suffers traumatic stress. For example, two people may witness a violent crime. One may experience traumatic stress and the other may not.

So what exactly makes the event a traumatic experience? A traumatic event, in very simple terms, involves an isolated experience or an ongoing dynamic or ongoing dynamics that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or to integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. Here, it is crucial to understand that a person who has experienced childhood trauma does not always register it as trauma, even as an adult. So while the event may be causing tremendous traumatic stress, the adult survivor may be unaware that some of what they are experiencing is traumatic stress.

How Can I Tell If My Spouse Is Experiencing the Effects of Trauma?

One of the ways to help determine if a spouse has unresolved traumatic stress is to know the adverse childhood experiences that can cause traumatic stress. From there, you can explore if your spouse has endured any of those adverse childhood experiences.

As we delve into a list of adverse childhood experiences, it is important to note that even if someone has had any of the following experiences, it does not automatically mean they have unresolved issues from trauma. There are several factors that play a part in whether or not the event caused lasting traumatic stress, or even any traumatic stress at all. One such factor to be taken into account is the presence of a nurturing adult in the child’s life. A loving and supportive grandparent, a tuned in teacher, or a safe and positive neighbor can help to build resilience and to foster healing in a child. Another factor is the frequency of the event, not just the intensity of the event. A seemingly “mild” difficult event that happens repeatedly can cause as much traumatic stress as a one-time horrific event. Whether or not the child had access to help and to appropriate intervention is also a key factor in whether the event causes longterm traumatic stress. This means that the below list is a helpful guide, not a diagnostic chart.

Adverse Childhood Experiences that Lend Themselves to Traumatic Stress

If your loved one has suffered any of the below adverse childhood experiences, and certainly if he suffered them with any amount of repetition and frequency, it is very possible that he has experienced childhood trauma.

• Abandonment – As a child, his biological parent or significant caregiver left his life through divorce, death, incarceration, or other reasons. Loss and abandonment can also be experienced when a child lives between various households, lives away at boarding school, or feels ignored by a parent who is a workaholic or who is not engaged when in the home. Children who have been placed in the foster care system or placed for adoption can also experience this sense of abandonment.
• Accidents – As a child, he experienced a vehicular accident, a serious sports injury, a building fire, or some other major accident that threatened his life, his sense of safety, and his feeling of security.
• Bullying – As a child, he was bullied repeatedly by classmates, neighbors, teammates, or others at school, in the neighborhood, at after school activities, or in any environment he frequented.
• Crime - As a child, he was the victim of a crime or witnessed a crime.
• Domestic Abuse - As a child, he experienced or witnessed one person in the family unit or household make threats of violence, be physically violent, be sexually, emotionally, or psychologically threatening or cruel, or use economic threats to disenfranchise, control, and dominate.
• Domestic Violence – As a child, he experienced or witnessed one person in the family unit or household use physical aggression or threats of physical violence to dominate, gain power over, or control another person. Such abuse is characterized by any behaviors that imprison, injure, intimidate, horrify, terrorize, injure and wound someone.
• Emotional Abuse – As a child, his parents, caregivers, and/or other adults in the his world often insulted, swore at, shamed, or insulted him, his siblings, or each other. The child may also have feared for his physical safety at these times.
• Isolation – As a child, he experienced his family as disconnected. They did not bond with each other. He felt unloved and unimportant, and did not experience reliable or consistent support from his parents or the significant adults in his life.
• Mental Illness – As a child, he lived with someone who had a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness, was battling depression, or attempted suicide.
• National or Natural Disasters and Terrorism – As a child, he experienced significant or dramatic events such as war, persecution, hurricanes, forest fires, or flooding that led to displacement, uncertainty, hunger, life threatening incidents, and increased vulnerability. He experienced or heard about terrorism, and/or heard of children wounded or killed by terrorism. He was uprooted from home under violent or threatening circumstances. Any of these can be destabilizing for a child.
• Neglect –  As a child, he experienced intoxicated or absent parents who did not protect him, did not provide enough to eat, and did not supply clean or appropriate clothing. In some cases, his parents may not have been in drunken stupors or physically absent, but may have left him to raise himself. He might have shown up for school in clean clothes and may have had food in the refrigerator, but was usually responsible for figuring out his daily life. He was poorly supervised, experienced very few - if any - healthy rituals of connection with his family, navigated much of his world on his own, and tended to be at risk of exploitation or of being in harm’s way.
• Physical Abuse – As a child, he experienced physical aggression by a parent or adult, such as being grabbed, shoved, hit, pushed, pulled, or having things thrown at him. A child witnessing the physical abuse of a parent, loved one, or caregiver can also suffer tremendous traumatic stress.
• Separation from Loved Ones – As a child, he was separated from caregivers, siblings, and other significant loved ones due to situations such as migration, military deployment, divorce, incarceration, economic difficulties, or illness, or due to a court order. Children kidnapped by a stranger or someone known to them also experience this devastating type of separation.
• Sexual Abuse – As a child, he was subjected to sexual activity with an adult or with another child. Sexual activity extends beyond intercourse and includes fondling, oral sex, inappropriate and obscene conversations (whether in person or by telephone or text), exposure to pornography, prostitution, rape, and having the child expose his body or view the other person’s exposed body.
• Substance Abuse – As a child, he witnessed a parent or significant adult in his life abuse alcohol or drugs. He may also have had to live with the chaotic implications of a parent who was an alcoholic or an addict, such as unpredictability, violence, illness, incarceration, institutionalization, or having a parent who was unresponsive or unreliable. A parent being a drug dealer or allowing the house to be a place where people become intoxicated also creates peril, instability, and a profound sense of insecurity for a child.
• Surgery or Serious Illness – As a child, he was hospitalized for a serious illness or surgery. Consider if the medical intervention included invasive procedures, medical personnel that the child considered scary, separation from caregivers, unanswered questions, secrets from the child, unfamiliar machines and tubes, dark rooms, and/or painful procedures. These can all create fear and even terror for a child. A loved one having surgery or a serious illness can also cause a child to feel overwhelmed beyond his ability to cope.
• Unsafe Community – As a child, he lived in a community where violence and other threats abounded. He or family members may have been hurt by violence in the community, or he may have witnessed violence and threats. Even hearing about the violence second hand can be a traumatic experience for a child.

One of the things I have discovered over the years is that trauma is filled with nuances. Every trauma experience is unique because it has its own variables. One of the best ways to begin to understand the impact of your spouse’s life experiences is to know his story. Listen to him share. Be curious, be caring, and be kind as he shares.

This list might not reflect only your spouse’s experiences. Perhaps you found some of your life experiences chronicled there. If that’s the case, be patient, caring, and kind with yourself. Seeking help in order to process the trauma that might be there is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your family.

In the next post I’ll explore, among other things, the behaviors that point to unresolved trauma.

For help resolving traumatic stress, you are welcome to contact us here.

Copyright © 2018 Dr. Dawn-Marie Pearson

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