Toxicity in a Family - Signs, Impact, and What You Can Do

The dynamics in our family of origin leave an imprint on us--for better or for worse. If there is perpetual toxicity in your family of origin, the imprint left can feel devastating. It is also common for family members to sometimes not recognize the toxicity and its impact. Knowing the signs and impact can help you understand why you might feel the way you feel and why you have some of the struggles you have. Thankfully, you do not have to stay tethered to, or wounded by, these toxic patterns. Healing, freedom, and positive growth can be yours.

Below is a brief synopsis of some common signs of toxicity in families, the impact that toxicity has, and what to do about it.

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Signs of Toxicity

1. Concern, care, and compassion are not shown for your feelings, needs, or rights.

• Feelings are not validated and are minimized.
• Needs are ignored and/or not met.
• Your rights and autonomy are scorned, resisted, or invalidated.
• Apologies are not given.
• When a person raises the alarm about abuse, the person is ignored, reprimanded, blamed, or treated like the problem, and excuses are made for the abuse and/or for the abusers.

Impact: This affects a person’s sense of self, his or her capacity to trust, and the ability to build healthy relationships even in adulthood. It can also cause tremendous despair.

2. Factions are created in the family.

• They gossip about you and others in the family.
• There is repetitive infighting.
• Certain individuals in the family are made to be the scapegoats.

Impact: This erodes and/or prevents the trust and vulnerability that is part of building healthy relationships. People can become defensive as a result, or they shut down. Depression, anger, and frustration grow.

3. Overt and covert emotional abuse are practiced.

• Acting harshly and being critical are part of the regular pattern.
• Weaknesses are targeted and picked on, even in front of others.
• Abusive behavior is accepted, masked, minimized, and/or ignored.
• Family members are called names.
• Your efforts to grow and change are resisted.
• Gas-lighting regularly occurs.
• Both obvious manipulation and underhanded manipulation are practiced.
• Family members’ vulnerabilities are used against them and information is weaponized.
• Parental family members lean on children for emotional support.

Impact: Emotional abuse is profoundly damaging. It can harm a person’s perceptions and memories, and cause feelings of anxiety, guilt, shame, powerlessness, and confusion.

4. Bullying and other forms of domineering behavior are means of control.

• Boundaries are repeatedly violated.
• Rules do not apply to the perpetrators.
• Compromise is refused.
• Entitlement and making demands are common.
• Certain individuals always have to be right.
• Threats are common (whether threats of physical harm or threats regarding reputation, possessions, relationships, etc.)

Impact: Anxiety, depression, loss of confidence are all effects of bullying, as are physical effects such as sleep loss, headaches, and muscle tension.

5. Playing the victim is routine.

• The perpetrators of the poor behavior do not take responsibility for their actions.
• Others are blamed for the perpetrators’ actions.
• The perpetrators accuse others when confronted.
• Guilting others into taking responsibility is commonplace.

Impact: This is profoundly destructive and causes individuals to doubt themselves, to feel unrelenting guilt, to walk on eggshells, to feel overly responsible for others, and to experience profound sadness. It can also cause despair, as the person who is being victimized is often treated as the perpetrator. This is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse, and is profoundly damaging.

6. Volatility is practiced and normalized.

• Rage occurs.
• Wild behavior and mood swings can be a common pattern, as can violence and abusive language.
• Unpredictability becomes a norm.
• Threats are doled out.

Impact: This causes profound fear, anxiety, doubt, and instability.

7. Manipulation is a common tactic.

• Lying frequently occurs.
• Guilting others is a common tactic.
• Mind games are frequently played.
• The person can be a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
• Plus many of the patterns and behaviors outlined in numbers 1 to 6 above (such as blaming others, playing the victim, and doling out guilt).

Impact: This is crazy-making behavior. It causes a great deal of self-doubt, stress, and instability in a person’s inner world.

Synopsis

Unresolved emotional wounds and/or untreated mental health issues in parents and care-givers (and in children) can cause tremendous damage to family members, leading to problematic thought patterns and counterproductive–even destructive–habits of behavior in individuals within the family. People who grew up with toxicity in their families may have found themselves in the role of caregiver or rescuer. They may have found themselves tiptoeing through the family and/or trying to escape, whether physically or emotionally. They may carry a great deal of guilt and shame. These individuals might experience much of the following:
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• Constantly apologizing or feeling guilty
• Overthinking most things
• Feeling afraid of upsetting others
• Being a people-pleaser
• Finding it difficult to regulate their own emotions
• Trying to parent others and to find people to “rescue”
• Ignoring or minimizing their own feelings
• Finding it hard to make decisions
• Fearing abandonment
• Over-analyzing others and doubting their own assessment of others
• Trying to control others
• Avoiding deep connections
• Taking responsibility for the messes of others
• Being easily offended and feeling deeply wounded, even by the healthy boundaries of others

What Can You Do?

If you recognize your experiences, thoughts, and behaviors in the above descriptions, take heart that healing from the effects of a toxic family is possible. You do not need to perpetuate your past or live ensnared by its effects. Learning how to take good care of yourself and doing the work of healing can pay tremendous dividends toward living a life that is wonderfully fulfilling. Here are some helpful steps:
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1. Choose your friends wisely. Surround yourself with people who are emotionally healthy, who are pursuing emotional and mental health, and who encourage you to do the same.
2. Reach out for help. A counselor or mature mentor can help you to establish healthy boundaries, to recognize self-sabotaging behavior, and to take the necessary steps toward healing.
3. Engage in a healthy faith community. God’s Word tells us that we are “dearly loved” by Him and that He is able to hear our cries and to transform our lives. Finding those who can help you grow in your relationship with Him is a wonderful blessing.

For help navigating and living free of the impact of a toxic family, feel free to reach out to Dr. Dawn-Marie for transformational coaching.
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