Why Isn't My Wife Eager for Sexual Intimacy?

Why isn't my wife eager for sexual intimacy? This is a question I've heard in various forms throughout my years as a counselor.  Certainly there is more than one answer to this question. Some reasons are medical, some are emotional, and some have to do with traumatic past experiences.  However, there are a myriad of common reasons that have nothing to do with health or with trauma. Some reasons boil down to the everyday way a husband lives with his wife.  Here are five things that, if a husband is doing, he might want to stop, because they are likely dampening and even dissolving his wife's eagerness for sexual intimacy.

1. He is belittling his wife's concerns. When a wife is treated as though her genuine concerns are a nuisance, emotional distance is created. Wise is the husband who welcomes and listens to his wife's concerns. This speaks volumes to her. When he gives her eye contact, when he doesn't interrupt, when he nods here and there to show he is listening, when he repeats to her what he has heard her say, he is communicating to her that she is valued.  Sighing, rolling his eyes, or making smart remarks will be interpreted as "He does not care about me."  And that's not a wife who will likely be eager for physical intimacy. Planting seeds of care through the gift of listening will help bring a harvest of intimacy.
2. He is using other women as eye candy. Doing so is highly destructive. Many husbands don't fully understand what a disservice they are doing to their wives by being easily distracted by a pretty face or a sexy body. When a husband is distracted by the woman on the sidewalk, the lady in the bank, that feminine figure over yonder, a wife can feel undervalued in ways that are profound and far reaching within her. Most wives don't expect their husbands to not see or to not know that there is a gorgeous woman in the vicinity. But she wants to know that her husband's attention has not been derailed by said woman.  Roving eyes on the part of a husband can be experienced as deeply unloving and disrespectful by a wife.  He would be wise to assure his wife of his love and commitment by guarding where his eyes wander and park.
3. He is having inappropriate friendships with other women. Sally from 'way back when' texts him frequently. Maggie from work asks for a ride home several times a week. June cries on his shoulder because her boyfriend broke up with her. He entertains casual phone calls from women. He uses endearing terms like sweetheart, love, and darling when talking to females. These types of dynamics breed emotional insecurity for many a wife. Sexual intimacy is a deeply emotional experience for women, and a wife who is in an emotionally secure marriage will likely not have the same sexual battles as a wife who perceives her husband as a flirt.  A wife has the right to her husband's emotional - and physical - fidelity.
4. He has a mistress. Well, the literal type of mistress is an obvious no no.  But what about other types of mistresses? What about the car that gets more attention than the wife? What about the hobby that is given priority above marriage and family? What about that habit or vice that has hurt the wife in the past, but the husband clings to it at the expense of his wife? What about that extended family member who has too much 'say so' in his decision making?  When a wife is marginalized (by people, things, or activities), it is unreasonable to then expect her to have that 'come hither' look on her face. Sometimes a husband feels justified in how he has marginalized his wife: "She never wants to do what I want to do." "She complains too much." But these "justifications" do not bode well for sexual intimacy.  A wife who is appropriately prioritized  is a wife who feels valued and thus experiences the emotional security necessary for true intimacy. 
5. He only touches her tenderly when he wants sex. If the only time a husband cuddles his wife, or strokes her hair, or rubs her back is when he wants sexual intimacy, then his motives are askew. A wife appreciates when touch doesn't always move in the direction of explicitly sexual places on her body.  If the husband's motive in caressing his wife is simply to prime her for his own fulfillment, he is not loving his wife.  His heart's intention should be to fill his wife's cup and to allow her to truly experience his tender love and care. This does not mean that a husband should not desire sexual intimacy with his wife, but sex should not always be his only motive when drawing close to his wife. A wife who consistently experiences her husband's loving touch (not just his sexual touch) in various ways is a wife who experiences a physical tenderness that contributes significantly to her thriving as a wife.

A wife, too, has responsibilities to her husband, as articulated below. And it is also true that when a wife has Christ in her life, she has access to a strength that will see her through the marital disappointments with which she might be living. But this does not absolve a husband from his responsibilities. Yes, Christ loves us more than anyone ever could.  But Christ also calls the husband to actively love his wife more than that husband ever thought possible.

REFLECTIONS FOR YOUR STUDY TIME

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  (Ephesians 5:25-33, NIV)  

© 2016 by Dawn-Marie Pearson.  All rights reserved.