Your Questions Answered: "How Do I Get My Husband to Say What He Means and Mean What He Says?

"My question is about communication. How do I get my husband to say what he means and mean what he says so that we are on the same page, and so that we understand what we have agreed on? There is too much verbal confusion and he does not stick to what we have agreed."

What you are experiencing in your relationship with your husband may be more than a communication issue. One possibility is that you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive spouse. Though the term passive-aggressive is quite commonly used, it is often misunderstood. So let's first have a look at some of the characteristics your husband would likely exhibit if he has passive-aggressive tendencies. (You will notice that communication issues are threaded throughout the listed characteristics.)

• Procrastination - He either does not perform the agreed upon action, or he performs it too late to be helpful, even though he may have initially expressed enthusiasm or agreement.
• Sabotage - He may perform an agreed upon action, but he does so in a way that is useless or that causes other problems or issues.
• Verbal Compliance - He complies verbally with your request, but then fails to follow through. When confronted, the verbal gymnastics begin, complete with excuses and finger pointing. He frequently sends mixed messages, seeming to agree to something in the moment, but not following through with his actions.
• Indifference - He shows little or no care for the dilemmas caused by his lack of follow through.
• Distancing - He may express a desire for emotional closeness, and may even blame you for the lack of it, but he has a fear of intimacy and sabotages opportunities for meaningful connection.
• Playing the Victim - He refuses to take responsibility for his behavior, and is therefore never wrong in his own estimation. Instead, he consistently paints you as the problematic or "crazy" one.
• Making Excuses - He makes excuses for his behavior. If you are persistent about holding him accountable, he makes more excuses and does his best to throw both you and the conversation into a tailspin.
• Creating Confusion - He is a master at orchestrating chaos. One of his methods is through mixed messages. The result is that you are often left in doubt, living in a whirlwind of mental uncertainty and confusion. Facts are twisted and details are denied. If you press the issue in a way that begins to show the holes in his story, you are blamed for bringing those details to the table.

So what do you do? First, let me assure you that you are not "crazy". Living with a passive-aggressive spouse can be extremely disorienting. And the more you try to get him to "say what he means and mean what he says" the more you will be caught in the vortex of confusion.

A first step is to understand that his confusing communication did not begin with you and is not about you. It is an issue that likely runs deep. For change to occur, he will need to acknowledge and work through the issues.

A second step is for you to carefully choose how you will respond to him. Being reactive and engaging in power struggles will propel you into that confusing vortex. Control yourself; do not try to control him (how he thinks, how he sees the issue, how he communicates.)

A third step is to keep life simple. That might seem too ... simplistic. But it can be very powerful. The passive-aggressive person tends to be resentful and can have unspoken hostilities. The more balls you have in the air requiring his help, the more likely it is for that reservoir of resentment to be stirred and for his tendency to sabotage to be fueled. So keep decision making simple. Keep agreements simple. Think in terms of bite size pieces.

A fourth step is to actively move toward connection. It can be tiresome in that crazy vortex, and you might feel drained, empty and unenthusiastic about connecting with your spouse. But this is where you need to cast your burden on the Lord and allow Him to revive you and your marriage. This is where you must first truly connect with the Lord, before you can fully connect with your husband. Let this difficult dynamic in your marriage allow you to seek God and His precious will in new and fresh ways.