Your Questions Answered: "How Do I Get My Husband to Say What He Means and Mean What He Says?
"My question is about communication. How do I get my husband to say what he means and mean what he says so that we are on the same page, and so that we understand what we have agreed on? There is too much verbal confusion and he does not stick to what we have agreed."
What you are experiencing in your relationship with your husband may be more than a communication issue. One possibility is that you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive spouse. Though the term passive-aggressive is quite commonly used, it is often misunderstood. So let's first have a look at some of the characteristics your husband would likely exhibit if he has passive-aggressive tendencies. (You will notice that communication issues are threaded throughout the listed characteristics.)
So what do you do? First, let me assure you that you are not "crazy". Living with a passive-aggressive spouse can be extremely disorienting. And the more you try to get him to "say what he means and mean what he says" the more you will be caught in the vortex of confusion.
A first step is to understand that his confusing communication did not begin with you and is not about you. It is an issue that likely runs deep. For change to occur, he will need to acknowledge and work through the issues.
A second step is for you to carefully choose how you will respond to him. Being reactive and engaging in power struggles will propel you into that confusing vortex. Control yourself; do not try to control him (how he thinks, how he sees the issue, how he communicates.)
A third step is to keep life simple. That might seem too ... simplistic. But it can be very powerful. The passive-aggressive person tends to be resentful and can have unspoken hostilities. The more balls you have in the air requiring his help, the more likely it is for that reservoir of resentment to be stirred and for his tendency to sabotage to be fueled. So keep decision making simple. Keep agreements simple. Think in terms of bite size pieces.
A fourth step is to actively move toward connection. It can be tiresome in that crazy vortex, and you might feel drained, empty and unenthusiastic about connecting with your spouse. But this is where you need to cast your burden on the Lord and allow Him to revive you and your marriage. This is where you must first truly connect with the Lord, before you can fully connect with your husband. Let this difficult dynamic in your marriage allow you to seek God and His precious will in new and fresh ways.
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