Your Questions Answered: "My Wife Is Not Letting Go of the Past. What Do I Do?"

If we assume that this past issue is something which occurred during your marriage and has damaged the relationship, there are a few key considerations:​

1. Have you owned the issue? Owning the issue means you have taken full responsibility for the inappropriate choices you have made. In order to take full responsibility for your choices, you must lay aside blame and other such excuses.
2. Have you disconnected from the offending action? If it was infidelity, have you stopped the affair and ended all contact with the outside person? If it was a chemical addiction, have you discontinued use of the substance and sought the necessary help to not repeat the addiction? If it was financial irresponsibility, have you put an end to whatever practice caused the problem?
3. Have you counted the cost?  When one spouse has betrayed the other spouse in some way (such as through emotional or sexual infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or criminal activity) the breach in the marriage needs to be repaired. Part of this process will involve evaluating what you have cost your spouse through your actions. If you do not know what you have cost her, ask her. Depending on what the issue is, costs include things such as deep sorrow, the erosion of trust, embarrassment, feelings of isolation, financial strain, etc.
4. Have you apologized? This step is important in being able to repair the breach and experience restoration as a couple. You need to look your spouse in the eyes, name the offending action, and articulate compassionately your awareness of how that action has hurt her.  You need to apologize, expressing your sorrow for having hurt her and for having compromised your relationship.
5. Have you identified and followed through on the ways in which you will work toward repairing the damage? This includes describing to your wife how things will be different going forward and how you plan to make amends. This also includes asking your wife what she needs from you in this area so you can help her to heal, and then following through on those things.

When you are compassionately, humbly, and deliberately taking steps that encompass the above considerations, you are helping to create a healing environment for your wife and your marriage.  It is important to remember that breaches can take time to repair. Sometimes the offending spouse wants the injured spouse to "hurry up" and get over it so that he (the offending spouse, which in some cases is a she) does not have to be inconvenienced by the pain he has caused his spouse. Do not let that be the case with you. Just as you played the main role in causing the hurt, you now have the opportunity to play a main role in expressing the love, care, and compassion that will help to bring healing.